So I’m sitting here alone after just having one of the best experiences I’ve had in a while, and I felt absolutely compelled to write about it.
I just watched Time Barbarians.
That’s right. Time Barbarians.
I don’t even know where to begin. With lines like “Doom? I’ll show you Doom”, “You ARE a HEAlthy mortal”, and “You must go to a land called… The Future!”, how could this movie NOT be phenomenal?!?!
Obviously I love ridiculously B movies and was sucked in by the deliciously bad looking cover art, but this was a random instant queue snag from Netflix. I was leary, but this morning was the perfect opportunity.
So I put it on, and for the next 96 minutes I laughed my ass off.
Time Barbarians stars Deron Michal McBee, who’s stint as American Gladiator “Malibu” most likely got him this gig. McBee is still snagging IMdb credits as of 2008 (might have to pick that one up!).
Alongside the 4-time mullet champion, is the lovely Jo Ann Ayres, who pretty much has NO other IMdb credits and has changed her name 3 times within those credits. She does however have some nice boobies and a little butt-chin (80s FTW!).
The movie takes place “in ancient times” where a barbarian tribe is protected by a crystal amulet (which is actually a belt that no one ever wears). Needless to say, the amulet is stolen and “Doran the Barbarian King” (played by McBee) goes off to find the amulet and kill his enemy “Mandrak” (played by Daniel Martine).
It’s really hard to share about this without ruining the movie for you because the brilliant plot turns and holes are so predictable and yet unexpectedly handled that the experience is part of the fun lol
Also as expected, Mandrak transports to “the future” and hides in a little town called Los Angeles. Unfortunately for Mandrak, life’s hard in “the future” and times are even tough for guys who go around mugging people. Good thing you’ve still got that leather jacket and a clean shave! And dang it, that crystal has no more power for you (why did it teleport him to the future?!) *wah wah*
Luckily for all of us, a sorceress appears and transports Doran to “the future” by giving him a “teleporting, bullet-blocking” sword and the quest to return with the crystal.
The next half of the movie takes place essentially within 24 hours of present day, 1990. From camera guys filming a rape instead of helping to swords that appear out of lightning, this movie had me astonished.
Unfortunately, the sound quality is pretty bad, so you have to really dig out a few of the dialogue gems, but the music had me rollin!
Now admittedly I had the giggles beforehand, but I took a break during the movie because I needed to not laugh for a minute. There was just so much fodder for it!
Bizarre choices, cliches, dialogue that really rides the line, ridiculous editing choices, “wonderful” acting (seriously there might have been someone of actual quality in there, but I couldn’t see it because I was too busy enjoying the hilarity), T&A at the 20 minute mark, and a CLEArly late-80s flavor. Not to mention, this movie takes itself comPLETEly seriously.
Now if I said anything there that doesn’t sound ridiculous and funny to you, then you won’t like the movie.
But if I did… this could be a really quality 96 minutes of your life.
In the words of Penny Price (the future incarnation of our fateful hero’s queen),
“The end to a story of gallantry and heroism… not to mention sacrifice.”
Just… wow…
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Image from Chris’s Invincible Super-Blog – “Worst of Netflix”









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